Confessional Preface

Let the confession starts in 3, 2, ....


Friday, August 12, 2016

Let's Talk About MI

Assalamualaikum and hello everyone. How you doing? Hopefully, everyone is in a great health.

Well, it's already August 2016, peeps... It's been a while since I wrote a heart-to-heart post like this. So, please, take a seat back and enjoy this post as much as I enjoy my time writing it, alright?

Since we're already half-way through the end of 2016 - how's life been treating you so far? Good? Bad? As for me, I already got my sem 2 result the other day and I gotta say - I'm quite pleased about it. No, I'm not going to tell you what my CGPA's now - not really my style, you know? Sorry bout that. But I'll definitely share more details with you guys once I landed myself with a job. A proper job, I mean.  

So,  with the end of 2nd semester, I'm officially on to the third one. T-Sem, as I called it.  I won't describe much what that meant, people close to me might already know what it is. All I can say is that this is going to be one, pretty nerve-wrecking experience for sure, but it's one of those thing I have to go through with... (no doubt about it). After all, this is what I been meaning to do in the past two years and until I can fully let it out from my system; consider there be no rest for the wicked. And that wickedness, my friend - shall be ME.

Anyway, diverting from this topic, I'm currently 24 years old. Supposedly, I'm more matured and stronger now. Supposed to be much wiser too. Yet, the remnant of my insecurities had and will pop out every now and then; demanding answers and assurance whenever I can get it. I guess this is a sign where some boost of confidence might be needed in the future. Never really sit comfortably until I can get the definitive solution. Haha... I'm just trying to get to myself, though to be fair - there's anything wrong with wanting to be sure with yourself.

 I just wanna get it right coz I know my life is not like a movie.There isn't any 'take two', or 'take three' in this - if I screwed up.

But, that's the thing... Even though I hate to screw things up, nothing is really permanent in this world. Everything are guaranteed to be destroyed somehow, somewhat.  As month passed by, my way of thinking also changing. Luckily for me, I discovered a quote and out of my feeling uplifted and touched - started living by it. I know it's just a quote from a dead person, but somewhat I felt relieved by it and think I got the answer I been looking for;

"Existence is... Well... Why does it matter? I exist on the best terms I can. The past is now part of my future. The present is well out of hand." 
Ian Curtis, former leader of band Joy Division.

I really like this quote. Really reflect with how I'm feeling at this moment and trajectory of life I'm leading. I don't have a lot of goals in my life, never really hoping for anything, but I tried to live in the best terms I can because it's the only way I know how to do it. No matter how many difficulties or disappointment I might face and although I could never change the past; I'm well-aware that it will always be a part of my future. As for the present... well, who knows what will it happen, right? That makes it sound so exciting, I guess. It kinda make this quote sound so melancholic, yet so true and hopeful at the same time. You see, I used to question a lot based on this post

Now? Not so much... 

Right now, I'm more invested in trying to make differences in my life, accepting things for the way they are, and sometimes learn to outgrow or let go when it's no longer working for me. I let got some people too, but that are always the hardest. It's like what they say - when things no longer work, it's probably best to just walked away; be the first one to let go. I mean, it's less heartache and hassle, anyway. Still, I don't just simply let go of things and people, tossing them around when they're no longer needed. I had learn to live and let live too. Respect others they way you wanted to be respected, you know? That sort of thing... 

Though, I understand that while you had been kind enough to learn how to play along - not everyone is up for the repertoire. Sometimes, people can purposely be a prick, vain, and unbearable - just to show how massive and superior they are compared to others. Well, they're the bad news. You don't wanna mess with these kind. They are merciless and ruthless. A hardcore non-compassionate. Elitist. They want nothing to do with you until you have something that can please them. They'll make it look unintentional, of course. They'll let you be their friend for a day, and that shall be it.  So,  if you really care for that sort of thing, then maybe you should start savoring while you can. You might not have another chance once your five minutes time are up. 

Me? I'm done savoring, man. I don't care what people think or might say behind my back anymore. You perfect? Yeah, right. You amazing? So what? Just do whatever, but drag me into it. Though, there's two things I won't stand. Talking sh*t and double-cross. Start talking sh*t about me? I shall never speak to you again or even forgive you. Double-crossed me? Yeah, good luck in your 'life' coz you already dead to me. Like I said, there's no take two in THIS life. Cut loose poisonous and cancerous people, however they come to you.

Well, I guess that's enough of ramblings for today. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I sure know that I feel relieve to able letting it out from my system somehow. I like to think about relationship, life and others when I had the time and coming up with new theory or idea on how I can riff around to improve it. Of course, in all of my efforts, not all of it can be used to other people. Not all of them can be accepted. You know why?

Because it's only has been tailored-made for me. And just me ALONE.

Mimi says: Just live and let live, darling. Nobody was ever meant to survive the tide. When the time comes, you gotta let the other ship passes through and then maybe you can set yourself free.