Confessional Preface

Let the confession starts in 3, 2, ....


Thursday, April 28, 2011

Forgetting that JERK and move on with My Life

Ok, I'm not much of whiner, but for this special post; I just couldn't help myself! I have a confession to make. I hate my LOVE life! I mean it, seriously. I could never understand why did I keep falling in love with a wrong guy? I been doing this since I'm 12 years old and seems like the cycle never stopped.

I do admit that I am easily attracted to a smart and funny guy, but almost like every time - the match seems just made from hell. Guys that I like doesn't find me attractive, or reacted to me the way I'm hoping them to and that make the whole chasing thing seems to be a little bit... sad?

To inject some sense into this post, here's a story that I wanted to share with you. It's about a guy that I met not very long ago. I was 7 years old when I first met him, but have no feeling to until I'm at least 12 years old. When I first get to know him, I thought that he was kinda sweet and funny. Plus, he wasn't bad in the eyes either. Back then, I was very quiet kid - the kind that only speak when I am spoken too. He made a first move to talk to me. I don't know why, but his small gesture of friendship made me happy. Believe it or not, he was the first boy I really spoken to in years (I had a boy-friend when I was 8, but that didn't work out very well after he moved into another class).

I didn't know when I started to look at him, waiting for him to speak to me - watching his every movement. I know I was in love. But, it takes me more than that (almost 4 years of my life) to realize it that what I feeling wasn't a real love. I guess I didn't really know how to tell the differences, back then... How stupid and naive I been, when I decides to write a diary; telling how much I like him and feels like he's the sweetest guy ever. Even stupidest, I decided to bring that damn thing to school!! Oh, how I wish I could take that back... Never would I have expected, that he would turned out to be a rotten jerk once he found out.  I mean, where did that nice, smart and funny boy goes? Well dear readers, like a true a**hole he was, he and his friend had a good laughs when they took that diary and read it that not before long, he started to call me names (well not too often but it still hurts just the same).

When primary school is over, I went to the same high school as him. No, I never planned to be in the same school with that jerk (we coincidentally went into the same school). Because of our UPSR results, we were placed in the same class. I didn't know much people back then. Loneliness and isolation became my only friend. Him, being a funny kids and with all his charms - find new friends easier than I do. He never acknowledge that we came from primary school (not until we were in form 2 anyway). Thank Goodness I found a few friends in a few months afterwards. So f**k you jerk, who needs you?? I'm letting go of you now.

The problem was - 'someone' wasn't ready to do that just yet. Someone (whom isn't me), still want to keep  on 'playing' the game...

Along the way through my high school, I played a few 'games' with this jerk. To tell you the truth, I wasn't really into him anymore, especially when he broke my heart the first time. Still, I am 'kind enough' to play along. I don't know how the kids in class seems to find out about my feelings towards this jerk ( who knows, probably his doing) that soon - we started to become the talk of the class. I can't figure out his motives, but he*l yeah, I was bored so sign me in. And so, the class DRAMA begins!! All the teasing, the match-making, the 'Lets-Make-Him-Jealous' game... whatever... etc..etc. Ugh. I can't remember the rest now. It seems to Pathetic.

 All I can say now is that I must be a fool to even consider going along. (sigh) (+.+); 

Anyway, after PMR 2007, he went to a boarding school. I stick around. I give him a present because I figure, this shall be the last time we will ever see each other again. The final gift that I gave him didn't held any meaning, nor much showing-off my feelings. It just a collections of stamps that I put in a box. That, is my farewell present to him. I don't know how he might feel about that but, I think he already knows it all along - whatever fling or teasing or bullsh*t we're playing in highschool, was never really there.

It's just an illusion to keep us occupied until middle school is over.

So, he move away. And found a girlfriend too. While I stayed in that old school, with the same teacher and missing the same person that I been having crush since I was twelve. Loneliness and isolation hits me again. I was depressed for a few months. I don't even know why. I don't really like this guy more than he like me, so what's with the 'missing you' and 'wish you were here' thinking bullsh*t? I have no idea.

Anyway, because of how we left things - I thought that I'll never see him again. Turned out to be, I was wrong.

I met him again, at Matriculation in 2010. Back then, all the feelings I had for him, all the gifts he gave me, everything - I had already thrown away. He's a painful memory that I decide to erase from my mind and heart. I was at the library that time when we met again, and I was trying to memorize some biology facts (Yuck!) and there he stand and say 'Hi'. I wasn't wearing my spectacles, so I only nonchalantly acknowledged his presence. During this time, all the memories I had with him came flooding like a river. Only this time, I was stronger than I was when he first left the school. Besides, I already knew he have a girlfriend, so that information just turned off my interest on him. I had sealed it in my mind to never had any lingering feelings for this guy jerk so slowly, I watch him go... disappearing from my life forever. That was the last time I ever saw him.

Nowadays, I am pursuing my studies at National University of Malaysia for my degree since 2011 while he fly off to pursue his doctorate stuff in Egypt. Well, good for him. Even though I hate him and usually think badly about him - I know that this is his long-life dreams. Plus, I also realize that now he is gone, I won't have to fear the chance of seeing him much in my hometown. :)

Still, it's sad whenever I think about him. Those MEMORIES. Those FANTASIES that I have but never fulfilled. Basically, anything that related to him is just sad. He wounded my heart so deep that I found it so hard to trust any guy or even have crush with anyone (OK, this is a lie - as they say 'Old habits, die hard'). I met plenty of guys in the university, but the pursuing part have long dead. But, I still have some trouble of trusting men so there's that...  Although feelings about him are pretty mixed: I can admit it now that I had try my best to forget about him and it's probably working. He is a finished chapter. No longer will I, Mimi Said, hesitate about this. Besides, I know that good guy - the guy who is meant for me is still out there. My only hope is that I have a chance to meet him in person before I die. He, this unknown entity of human being could be my salvation for awful, dry and loveless life. I don't want the image and memories of this jerk tainted my head as long as I live. I am going to find the love of my life or maybe let him find me (or even better we find each other), marry him and pop 5 children of his. Yup, I want a big family and it's my teenage dreams.....



  1. Lebih baik bersendirian, daripada dikecewakan kali kedua.....

  2. yeah, maybe. But hidup tanpa partner pun x guna gak...